The Brandywine Center

Healthy Advice
The Brandywine Center participates in a question and answer column in the local newspaper, The News Journal. Columns are focused on topics of interest in the area of mental health and are limited to 120 words or less.

We consider these articles to be portals to further discussion. Perhaps you'll see a question that you've been pondering. Check them out by clicking on one or more of the links below. If you are interested in further information on any of these topics, we hope you will contact us. You can send an e-mail to info@brandywinecenter.com or call us at (302) 475-1880.

Valentine’s Day Distress

Publication date: 2/1/05
Q. Here comes another Valentine’s Day and I again don’t have a date, let alone a life partner. I’m starting to feel hopeless that everyone else can be lucky in love except me. Can you help?

A. Valentine’s Day is difficult for anyone alone. However, having a date on Valentine’s Day is not proof that you’re wonderful nor is the absence of a date proof that you’re unlovable. Remember, it’s an illusion that everyone is “lucky in love.” There are countless others seeking the same connection that you seek. Find ways to pursue your goal, staying focused on what you desire. Resilience is key. If you want someone else’s love to validate you, think again. When you are happy with yourself, you’ll attract healthy relationships. If I can help further, contact me at (302) 475-1880.

Children and Dieting

Publication Date: 2/15/05
Q. My middle school daughter is getting a little chunky. I have struggled with my weight all my adult life, and I don’t want her to do the same. What diet would you recommend?

A. If dieting worked, my guess is that you would not be struggling with your weight. Consider whether dieting is a good strategy for anyone, including your daughter. Diets put children at risk for eating disorders. The earlier the dieting and the more aggressive it is, the more likely an eating disorder will develop. The restrictiveness of dieting can lead to binge eating. It’s best for the whole family to commit to healthier eating and active lifestyles. Let your daughter know she’s beautiful and that her body is a wonder. Consider modeling body acceptance for her. We will explore these issues at the 2nd Eating Disorders Awareness Mother-Daughter Tea on 3/4/05. For information call or visit www.brandywinecenter.com.

Depression & Anti-depressants

Publication date: 3/1/05
Q. I recently ended a long term relationship and have not been able to get back on my feet. I cry often, don’t feel very interested in activities and have not been hopeful about the future. I was wondering if I should seek some counseling or just go on anti-depressant medication.

A. Your question is a common one, with no easy answer. We have become a culture that uses medication to “cure” many ills, but there are concerns about side effects and effectiveness of many medications. You have experienced a loss which brings with it the feelings you describe. This is normal. Brief counseling might help you put this loss in perspective and develop new coping strategies. If after a trial of therapy, you continue to display symptoms of depression, an anti-depressant medication might be a useful adjunct to psychotherapy. The saying that “when we heal, we are stronger in the broken places” is true. Use this loss as an opportunity to learn about yourself and grow stronger.

Living More Simply

Publication Date:3/15/05
Q. I am a working mother with three school-age children. There does not seem to be enough time in the day to do everything that needs to be done and I am overwhelmed most of the time. Yesterday, I could not stop crying and had to call out sick for work. What’s happening?

A. Simply put, there is not enough time to get everything done. And technology has added to the burden of being on 24/7. Look at your priorities. What really matters? Can you limit your children’s activities? Are you able to say “no” to requests from others? Are you overfunctioning? Doing less opens up possibilities for connection, creativity, and relaxation. Make some minor changes and see if the crying stops. Remember to breathe and feel grateful for one thing each day. Speaking to a therapist might help you feel more in control of your life.

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Self-esteem

Publication Date: 3/29/05
Q. I am a middle-aged woman and am finally admitting that I suffer from low-self esteem. I told my friend that I wanted to do something about it, and she said that it’s too late—by now you either have it or you don’t. Is this true, or can I do something to improve my self-esteem?

A. Your friend is misinformed—you CAN improve self-esteem at any age. Contrary to popular belief, self-esteem won’t come from losing weight, a make-over, or a new job. Start with self-discovery—learn more about who you are and what you are experiencing from moment to moment. Work on becoming less critical of yourself, and more self-accepting. Then, learn to take better care of yourself—physically, emotionally, spiritually and in relationships. Find a buddy and work together, attend a self-esteem workshop at the Brandywine Center. For information, call or visit www.brandywinecenter.com

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Publication date: 4/12/05
Q. I keep hearing the term Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. What is that?

A. OCD is an anxiety disorder that involves time-consuming behavior rituals (compulsions) and/or repetitive thoughts (obsessions). Individuals with OCD experience significant anxiety or dread that something terrible will happen if they don’t carry out a particular routine. For example, someone with OCD may repeatedly wash their hands because they fear that they will be contaminated by germs if they don’t. Many people suffer in silence because they are too embarrassed to discuss the symptoms with anyone. Left untreated, OCD will not go away and in fact may even worsen over time. The good news is that there is effective treatment that usually involves a combination of medication and psychotherapy.

Mother’s Day

Publication date: 4/26/05
Q. My mother was not a good mother. On Mother’s Day it’s hard to find a card that feels right to send. How can I be authentic and not hurt her?

A. Many of us did not have the mother we wanted. It’s important to acknowledge what was lacking and look for ways to find what we needed and maybe still need in other relationships. Construct in your mind what you would like to say before the arduous card search and then look for something close to that sentiment. Mother’s day can be a time of forgiveness and a day for feeling grateful for what your mother did provide. It was probably the best she could do, even if it was less than adequate.

Body Image and Teens

Publication Date: 5/10/05
Q. I overheard my teenage daughter talking to a friend complaining about feeling fat and hating her body. As a concerned mom, what can I do to help her feel better about herself?

A. When appropriate, acknowledge overhearing your daughter's comments and discuss specific events that may have contributed to her feeling badly about herself. Teach her how our culture's rigid definition of beauty makes it difficult for girls and women to feel positively about their bodies. Use her favorite magazine or television show to illustrate how the media negatively impacts girls' self-esteem. Remember, our daughters watch us. Model an appreciation and acceptance of your own body. Help your daughter identify the many ways her body allows her to live fully. Praise her inner qualities and accomplishments more than you do her appearance.

Graduation and Anxiety

Publication date: 5/24/05
Q. My daughter is graduating from high school and we are all excited about it. But underneath the surface, I think she is sad and anxious about her future. How can I help her?

A. Graduation from high school is a major milestone and it represents a very significant life passage, the official end of childhood. It is natural to have sadness at leaving the old, familiar patterns and entering into the unknown. Let your daughter know it is normal to have mixed feelings at this time and see if she can talk about them. Reassure her that although her life will be changing, many things will be the same – her family will continue to support and help her, friends will still be friends, and home will always be a safe and welcoming place for her.

Father’s Day and Loss

Publication date: 6/7/05
Q. With Father’s Day around the corner, I’m dreading the day even though it’s been a few years since I lost my father to cancer. How can I get through this day each year without such dread?

As Father’s Day nears, we’re inundated with idealized images of father/child relationships, reminding us of what was lost or what never was. Since the loss of a parent can be profound, it seems natural, even years later, to have waves of sadness. Allow for them as a normal part of the grieving process. If you wish, you can honor his memory: serve his favorite meal, head out to his favorite restaurant, theatre or sporting event, wear a keepsake, or call a mutual loved one. Taking action to honor your father may help you to heal this loss. If we can help with the healing or if the sadness seems unending, contact us at (302) 475-1880.

Making Time for Me

Publication Date: 6/21/05
Q. I feel jealous watching my kids relax and play, particularly in the summer. There is no room to relax in my life and this leaves me irritable. How do I make time for me?

A. Everyone needs rest, relaxation and play in their lives. Not having this will leave you
depleted and cranky. Take a look at what you expect of yourself. Can some of the “musts” be eliminated leaving room for the “want tos”? Are you letting others help or do you do it all? Are you saying yes when you can say no? Consider these points and see if they help open some “time off” for you. If I can be of further help, contact me at (302) 475-1880.

Helping Children with the Loss of a Pet

Publication Date: 7/5/05
Q: Our dog of 9 years is terminally ill. This will be the first significant loss for my 7 and 12 year olds. What can I do to help them deal with this loss?

A: Talk with your kids about nature's life cycle which includes aging and death. To decrease anxiety, provide information in age appropriate terms about your dog's declining health and help to demystify the process by encouraging your children to ask questions about death and dying. Model saying goodbye and provide an opportunity for your children to do likewise. Throughout this time, encourage expression of feelings through play, art or dialogue. After the death, your family may want to create a memorial ritual to honor your pet. Remind your children that having a range of feelings is a healthy and important aspect of grieving.

Leaving Home for College

Publication date: 8/2/05
Q. My daughter is leaving for college in three weeks and we are fighting constantly. I don’t understand why this is happening, and I don’t know what to do.

A: This is a typical “leaving home” scenario. Parents and children experience similar mixed feelings—hope, fear, excitement, and sadness. Anger can mask those that are hardest to talk about. Conflict provides a diversion from the pain associated with letting go. Try talking openly. Let your daughter know that you are proud, excited, and sad about the impending separation. Hearing your feelings may make it feel safer to open up. If she’s not ready, let her know that you are available to talk at any time. Find support for yourself to help you cope with this important life transition. If you have questions, call or visit our website www.brandywinecenter.com.

School Fears

Publication date: 8/16/05
Q: My son had a hard time with school last year and now he is worried about starting school in the fall. He is afraid he will fail. How can I help him?

A: Make sure your son knows that you really understand how difficult school was last year, but this year is a chance to start again. Remind him of the good parts of the last year and describe new things he will learn this year and friends he will make. Reassure him that he will receive support if he needs it and that together with the teacher, you will help him to come up with solutions for problems should they arise. Watch him carefully to see if he is struggling too much. If so, talk to his teacher about testing to identify possible learning challenges.

Finding a Satisfying Career

Publication Date: 8/30/05
Q. I’ve been doing the same work for 15 years and I am ready for a change. How can I find a satisfying career?

A. You are not alone; many people change careers. Whether you have worked in business or been a stay-at-home mom, you can explore a new career direction. It is often helpful to start by clarifying your interests, skills, abilities, and values. You can do this on your own, by using a book or workbook, or with the help of a counselor. It is also important to work through any barriers interfering with your career change. Typical barriers include fear, low self-esteem, or lack of support. Although this process takes time and effort, don’t be discouraged. It is possible to find satisfying work. If you need help career counseling can be helpful. Please call me at (302) 475-1880 for more information.

Turning 50

Publication Date: 9/13/05
Q. I feel upset and demoralized about turning 50. How can I improve my attitude?

A. Mid-life is a challenging time ushering in inevitable body changes and personal losses. There is, however, a revolution going on defining mid-life as the new prime time. It can be a time of physical and emotional healing as we deepen our relationship with ourselves, our bodies and the people in our lives. As we invest less in the expectations of others, mid-life can offer fresh supplies of emotional energy. Also, research shows that cognitive changes in mid-life influence memories to be more positive and boost our sense of well being. Take care of your body and soul by doing stretching and strengthening exercises as well as serenity exercises such as yoga and meditation.

Cancer Fears

Publication Date: 9/27/05
Q: I was recently diagnosed with early stage breast cancer. I am overwhelmed by my fears and concerns. I don’t want to burden my family and friends. Do you have any suggestions?

A: A cancer diagnosis presents a range of emotional reactions. Perhaps these feelings are burdensome to you. Those who care about you want to help carry your load. Share your thoughts and feelings with them and let them be there for you. It allows them to feel less helpless and provides you with needed support. Let your doctors know what you are experiencing. They know of mental health professionals specializing in helping those dealing with the emotional impact of cancer. You and your doctor know that full recovery involves the whole person. At The Brandywine Center we help women cope with breast cancer. Call us at (302) 475-1880.

Infertility

Publication Date: 10/25/05
Q. I have been going through infertility treatments for several years. Is it normal to have feelings of despair?

A. Infertility is a difficult experience that affects many individuals and couples. It is frustrating and challenging to not have our bodies respond in ways that we want, particularly when we look around and see how easy conception is for some people. The range of emotions involved is a lot to manage. Hope and excitement in the beginning of a cycle can become loss, sadness and despair when a pregnancy does not occur. Talking with your spouse/partner/friend or someone else who has been through it, can help ease the despair you sometimes feel. Some people find it helpful to join support groups or to seek counseling to help sort out their feelings.

Adoption

Publication Date: 11/8/05
Q. I relinquished a child for adoption many years ago. This is a secret from most people in my life, and I feel so alone. What can I do?

A. Adoption is a process accompanied by a range of emotions for all people in the adoption triad (birth parent, adoptive parent, and adoptee). Birth parents often experience loss and sadness, particularly when the adoption is a "closed" or secret adoption. Adoptive parents can experience loss if infertility is involved, but also hope at the experience of being parents. Adoptees can struggle with some sense of abandonment, particularly if they have unanswered questions about their adoption. Talking about these feelings can reduce the shame and isolation you speak of. Sharing your experience with others touched by the adoption process can be very healing.